10.

1. Grad announcements/party invites are in the mail. Phew! That's a big job... and one that reminds me how desperately I need to do something about my address organization... right now I have all my addresses saved by piling all the envelopes I've received over the years in a great big stack. Not very efficient.
2. Mother's Day was lovely... my family bought me a Vitamix... and we're having LOADS of fun with it... Best part? I got Asia to put spinach in his 'orange julius'. One leaf. But hey - you have to start somewhere, right?
3. There is a new elementary school being built at the end of our block - opening in the fall. They are beginning to put the hardscaping in - and the school itself is really beautiful... I'm eager for it to be done so we can enjoy it. The pictures of the landscaping look so nice - it's going to be nice to have trees and benches and pathways in what used to be just an empty field.
4. I found out this morning that Kyler's prom date is actually Kyler's girlfriend. I suspected... but hadn't heard the word officially...
5. Kyler got me this lovely necklace for Mother's Day. It's a good thing when your son discovers Etsy...
   
6. And Savannah bought me this bag.
7. Having kids with jobs is fun!
8. I am such a fair weather exerciser... I've gone from hardly moving at all to logging almost 20 miles a week... being outside in the Spring is SO good for my soul... I just can't get enough. Indoor exercise is the worst form of torture for me... but put me on a path and I'm a happy girl.
9. We had dinner last weekend with a young couple from church that are getting married in September... they remind us a lot of ourselves at that stage of life. Sometimes I have little out-of-body experiences and view us sitting across the table from those kids... and wonder how in the world we ended up being that older couple.. married almost 21 years... I wouldn't trade places with them... the depth of understanding and love and comfort that comes from being together this long is worth a gajillion dollars to me.
10. I've started watching Mad Men on Netflix... I hardly ever watch tv, but I like to have something to put on while I fold laundry... I'm enjoying it. Seeing all the 60's clothes and furniture and cars is so fun... it reminds me of my childhood.

Happy Tuesday, friends.

Why my son didn't wear a jacket to his Sr. Prom

Saturday night was prom night for five high schools in Spokane, including ours.

 

Kyler took a lovely friend - and they as a couple went with fourteen other couples, spending the evening being driven around town in a couple of limos, enjoying dinner together, as well as the dance and the obligatory hour spent at Manito Park so parents could get all their desired group and individual couple pictures.

 

It was so fun to watch all these seniors - Kyler's friends - enjoying this milestone event at the prime of their teen years. At the kids' high school - you only go to Sr. Prom if you are a senior or are invited by a senior... so it really can be a once in a lifetime event and is a very special night.

 

When Kyler's date, Kyler and I went shopping for his attire for the evening, we all had the mentality that he should look nice without overspending on clothes or a rental that wasn't really necessary... I try to run all my choices through my 'Africa filter'... asking myself "Is this a first world value... something that we think is necessary here but in light of what we know about the struggles and reality of our friends/family (Tejan) in Sierra Leone, are there places/ways we can cut back on this and still have it be an enjoyable event/purchase?"

 

I realize that's a loaded question. And that the potential to appear self-righteous or judgmental is huge.

 

I'm not here to judge anyone's choices or spending decisions. But I couldn't help leaving the park last weekend after taking loads of pictures feeling a little bittersweet... happy for my son and his friends and the wonderful time they were having, but sad about our society and our spending decisions and the reality of the lovely people I know in Sierra Leone... the money spent on this one prom event could do SO much there.

 

So I thought I would break it down a little for some perspective:

 

There are fifteen couples in the picture above.

15 tux rentals x $100 = $1500

15 full length prom dresses $150 = $2250

15 Manicures/pedicures for the ladies x $40 = $600

15 updos/hairstyles x $35 = $525

15 couples prom tickets x $60 = $900

30 catered dinners x $25 = $750

15 corsages x $25 = $375

15 boutonnieres x $20 = $300

2 stretch limos x 2 hours x = $500

Grand total $7700

 

I realize these are gross generalizations... and that some couples/individuals may have chosen less expensive options. Kyler, his date and I decided to forgo the tux rental and instead spent $75 on a vest and tie combo. But my tux rental estimation was low... so that's probably a wash. Some one the girls may have chosen to do their own manicures and pedicures. But a lot of them probably spent WAY more on their dresses than I allotted.

Kyler was the only boy who didn't rent a tux for prom night out of his group of friends...
(aren't they silly/handsome/funny?)

Again... no judgment. I WANT the my kid to enjoy a night out as a high school senior celebrating friendship and the culmination of four years of schooling and his youthfulness.

 

But sheesh... almost $8000 on one evening? And that's only 30 kids. There were five high schools celebrating prom on Saturday in Spokane. If 300 kids attended each prom, that becomes a staggering $385,000.

Ouch.

 

That amount of money could provide food at a feeding center in Sierra Leone for over SEVEN YEARS.

 

I make my own spending decisions I'm not necessarily proud of. I'm driving a brand new car right now when I could VERY easily have chosen to buy a used car and saved our family thousands of dollars that we could donate.

 

I have a beautifully landscaped front yard that we dropped several thousand dollars on last summer with automatic sprinklers when I'm fully aware of the dear children in Banta who carry water every single morning to their homes...

 

There will always be a tension for me in these kinds of spending decisions. And that's a good thing. I try my darndest to run my choices through the Africa filter. And I subtly and carefully try to raise awareness of the flippant and entitled spending decisions Americans generally make - ignorant of the life-changing potential for that money to be spent elsewhere...

In this instance, I'm using some of the money saved by not renting a tux to donate $75 to Children of the Nations so our three sponsored boys in Sierra Leone can go to summer camp. (You can donate too!)

 

I'm certainly not perfect at this. But if I could filter just 10% of the money represented for one prom night in Spokane some pretty amazing stuff could happen.

 

I chew on these kinds of issues.

 

I will forever wrestle with the blessing of being an American and my knowledge of the struggle of so many in the world. I can't help myself. And I hope my kids will remember and take the 'Africa Filter' into their own spending decisions as they approach adulthood...

 

It's food for thought.

 

Kyler and his lovely prom date

Our beautiful friend Esther in Banta, Sierra Leone
(Esther currently needs sponsorship... click the link on her
name to help!)

This messy life...

I read an interesting article this morning that has gotten me thinking about living life with others...

Asia and I have always tried to be really intentional about being real with folks... putting our faults on the alter of friendship and honestly walking through life without pretending.

The truth is - we're madly in love and struggle to love each other.
We adore our kids and despair for them in the same breath.
We have a lovely home that has piles of junk in every corner and massive dust bunnies hiding under every bed and dresser.
We give money away and we spend way too much on selfish desires.
I live my life in a body that's at a healthy weight but have a constant driving desire to sabotage my health with unhealthy, temporarily satisfying, non-nutritive junk because I have an addictive issue with food.

You see, what you see on the surface is not always what lies beneath.

And I don't ever want to pretend that what lies beneath doesn't exist.

I sneak chocolate.
I yell at my kids.
I fantasize in an unhealthy way about having a husband who would eat vegetables and take me backpacking and know instinctively what kind of little doodads and gift-y treats would make me feel special.
My house is surface-y clean but if you look too closely, you'll discover I'm a terrible housekeeper.
I am at my deepest core a really lazy person.
I am judgemental.
There are days the ugly head of my tendency toward depression tugs so hard on my psyche that I struggle just to function.
Some days I can barely face the prospect of people... my introverted nature makes me want to hide away and pretend you don't exist to a point where I overindulge my selfishness in a really sinful/egocentric/contemptible manner.

Basically - I am in need of grace on so many levels... I really suck at some things.

I went through a life stage when I was surrounded by people whose entire motivation appeared to be a desire to appear 'sanctified.' Their energy focused on presentation and high standards and expectations that left little room for struggle/reality/doubt.

The truth is - living that way tore me down in a way that made me question myself on every level. I just never could measure up. I lived in a really unhealthy fear of God's judgement.

I am so thankful that as I've gotten older - I've found a blessed balance between striving to honor God through my life choices and holding tight to the amazing and simple fact that I don't have to measure up... that my worth is entirely proven in the simple act of a cross and blood spilt for me and any effort to make it appear otherwise demeans that sacrifice.

I cannot/will not meet any standard.

But I can admit my short comings and trust in a faithful, gentle Savior to take the mess of who I am and create beauty.

I hope that I present my self in a way that honestly exposes the truth of my sinful nature and glorifies my Savior who redeems even the worst parts of me.

I recognize the danger of being prideful about this and resting in God's grace in an unhealthy way.

Certainly, I strive to honor the gift of grace and mercy I receive every morning by living my life in a way that pleases God.

I will not abuse this Amazing Grace.

But I also will not hoodwink people into thinking I have anything figured out or that I somehow have magically mastered my sin.

I am a fallen soul whose only hope is God's goodness.

I am also a restored/beautiful/overhauled/recreated individual whose whole life (I hope) reflects the beauty of God's benevolence toward me.

I am a hot mess and a beautiful, organic, constantly growing/changing picture of unbelievable, exquisite wholeness.

I choose to lean into the tension of that reality.

God takes my disastrously selfish, tragic self and integrates it with His perfection and somehow, mysteriously creates someone complete.

Life is messy.

God is good.

That's the reality I choose to lean into each day.

Ten on Friday

1. On our usual post-church Costco run last week, Asia bought Les Miserables... I didn't think we needed it - I'm typically not a fan of owning movies... I figure if I've seen something once, I'm good. However, when we watched it that evening with the kids, I was so glad we bought it. It's just SO good. Savannah is showing it to her friends one by one, so it's playing in the background an awful lot lately. I'm good with that.
2. We had our annual Weight Watchers staff awards luncheon last week - I was awarded the Diamond Leader award for the third year in a row... Diamond Leaders are ranked in the top 20 percent of leaders in our whole district - which includes almost all the northwestern states... I'm honored to enjoy this prestigious distinction and feel so privileged to be able to do something I love so much AND be rewarded for it in this way. I never planned to have a 'career' outside of the home - who knew I'd find something I even want to commit this much time and energy to - and love it so much? Blessed, am I.
3. I'm beginning to think ahead to summer and wondering how it will pan out this year - the kids are all so busy with their pursuits/work/friends/plans... I sometimes feel left behind. Ethan and I have talked quite a bit about some things we might like to do together since the older two are the ones on the run most often. Hoping we can enjoy some fun adventures together. It's so interesting how different my life is now than five years ago when the kids and I had endless hours together in the sun and they actually wanted to do fun things with me.
4. Easter week was so gloriously warm and sunny - we truly enjoyed about five days in a row of unseasonably warm days and mild evenings... it was awesome. And now it's over. And cold. And grey. Such is spring in Spokane. At least a few things are starting to bloom...
5. Asia will be taking on a new role at the state beginning May 1st... he's voluntarily giving up his supervisor role to demote into a position that will give him TONS of flexibility in taking time off to build his private practice. He gets new clients weekly and simply can't put in the hours at the state to be an effective supervisor anymore. His new job for the state will be essentially mindless - so he can work stress-free, keep his benefits, and take more clients at Spokane Therapist. The whole process has gone much faster than we anticipated... and we're so thankful for the way his business is growing. I personally am thrilled to hear his reports of how much he's enjoying working with his clients. I don't think I've ever had him come home saying he enjoyed working at the state... it would be sort of inappropriate to enjoy doing Child Protective Services... and that takes it's toll after awhile. I'm so happy that he is now able to do what he loves.
6. Kyler presented his Senior Culminating Project a couple of weeks ago - it's a huge graduation requirement. He finished all of his high school class equivalencies last quarter which means essentially, he's a high school graduate. He has one more quarter and will also get his AA degree. We are so proud.
7. Favorite afternoon snack right now? One whole ruby red grapefruit. Is that weird? They are SO yummy.
8. Someone is asking someone else this afternoon to go to Senior Prom. I guess we'll be renting a tux soon...
9. After being a dog owner for almost 8 years, I'm still amazed at the complete devotion my sweet Gracie girl has to me. She is always with me... following me from room to room... laying down in the hallway right outside the bathroom while I get ready for work in the morning... coming into my room to 'nap' with me when I sneak a few minutes of rest in the afternoon. She is so dear to me...
10. With Asia working two jobs, Kyler and Savannah both working, different summer camp plans, graduation and unsure finances, it feels like we may never get to take a vacation again. I'm trying really hard to not get cranky about that... but not doing a very good job of it. I've had so many friends going to Hawaii lately... and still really want to go on another cruise sometime... and basically, would like to sit on a beach somewhere warm and do nothing... but there's sort of no way to plan for that right now. It takes concerted effort to be content in that reality. Boo.

Happy Friday, friends. Thanks for reading. Smooch you all.

What next...

Monday morning is most often spent erasing the evidence of our weekend...

Fingerprints get wiped off the fridge... dog slobber cleaned from the floor around her dishes... errant socks and shoes picked up and deposited in the hamper or the shoe rack... coffee cups gathered from favorite sitting spots... laundry started.

As the three little people who have spent their lives here have blossomed into full size adults, this space seems to get smaller. Sometimes the introvert in me feels a little trapped by all the bodies and stuff that go along with five full-sized bodies wandering within these walls. Five phones. Five backpacks/bags/purses. Cords, earphones, chargers, ipods, tablets, computers. Paper. Oh - the paper/mail/homework/books...

Sometimes it closes in on me.

It's not only the physical space that gets cramped... there is this unquantifiable expansion of ideas as well... five sets of opinions... five different ideas... five sets of values and standards... where there used to be the luxury of two people determining/setting the standards, there is now an assertion of youthful naivety/idealism that frankly, exhausts me at times.

If I spend too much time reflecting on my reality I can easily get caught up in self-pity... resenting the self-centeredness of those around me... these almost adult-people who take and take and take from me but give little in return. There is not a lot of room for giving back in their brains at this stage, I'm observing. Add to that a complete career overhaul in Asia's case and I find myself in a lonely spot much of the time. There are many hours spent alone because everyone else has somewhere else to be - and yet everyone expects things to be perfectly tended to on the home front... so I cook meals in an empty kitchen so there is food easily found in the fridge for leftovers and I fold clothes... outfits I may have never even seen them wear because I can easily go more than 24 hours without seeing one or more of the people I live with...

Sometimes it overwhelms me and all I can do is close my eyes and pray for grace. I know in my heart that I am in this final phase of parenting that will end all too soon and in the blink of an eye I will be wandering these rooms in deafening silence because all the bodies have found their way elsewhere. I long for it and I dread it all in the same breath.

There is also, of course, the looming question of 'what next?'

And the terrifying admission: 'I have no idea.'

And so I try my darndest to find joy in each moment... and to be grateful for the tension of loving these partially formed, awkward young adults that push me to the edge of my patience/frustration threshold... Letting them form their opinions and values and learn their own lessons without my intervention is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

I stand back and watch and listen and pray and follow behind them ready to lend a shoulder or pick up a sock or write a check or be a sounding board on the off chance one of them should turn around and see me there - ready and waiting for them to need me.

I feel invisible/unnecessary/irrelevant much of the time.

There is such a deep sorrow in admitting that.

And I know in my heart it is a lie.

But there it is.

No one told me when I was tending my babies that the sleepless nights and five years of donating my body to the nurturing of their tiny bodies would be a breeze compared to the gut-wrenching process of letting them go.

I am so blessed by an array of other moms who are walking this strange path of self-sacrifice... it's amazing to me how an almost complete stranger can hear one sentence about the season I find myself in and just know that I need a hand on a shoulder and a compassionate "it's SO hard, isn't it?" whispered in my ear... how a mom with toddlers can sense a need for reassurance that my awkward teenagers are actually pretty remarkable young people and give me reassurance that my years of effort have paid off. The most random interactions provide perspective - little bits of grace offered up by the sisterhood...

On this Monday morning I choose gratitude. As I rearrange our spaces and finish chores that were neglected by my busy roommates and pick up towels and socks and attempt to fit everything into the confines of these four walls, I hold onto the moment. The blessings. The promises of God's faithfulness and his provision and lovingkindness. The knowledge that I'm not in charge of any of it - and that I wasn't even when I lived in the illusion that my influence carried some sort of sacred significance. None of it has ever been in my control... I was just better able to convince myself of it when I thought I could define the boundaries of their world...

The truth of it all is that I've always been dependent on grace and mercy and Sovereignty.

It's just that now it is an unavoidable reality - like a punch in the gut over and over that knocks the wind out of me and leaves me gasping for air.

There is a beauty in coming to the end of yourself. Even while it feels excruciatingly life-sucking, it actually results in great beauty and wisdom. You have seen those women who carry their heads high with a grace that only comes from walking through great sorrow and sacrifice.

If that is what's next for me, I will feebly set my heart on that alter and offer it up and trust that there is a greater purpose in mind than my self-protective tendencies could ever understand...

I choose to trust in the Goodness of One who understands sacrifice and sorrow and rejection and resurrection.

What's next?

Today, that is answered in the rhythm of folding clothes and being available to those who unknowingly depend on me and reject me in the same breath...

I will continue rely on a Strength not my own to give beyond my self.

And I will wait for the reward - knowing it may only come in bits and spurts - and embracing the fact that the degree of giving will never feel balanced with the reward... and that in fact the reward will eventually far outweigh the sacrifice.

Because God is good.

Why I eat what I eat

For several years, I've embraced Lent... finding ways to challenge myself to recognize God's generosity toward me by sacrificing something significant...

I've let go of Facebook and chocolate... gone vegan...

This year - I decided to do a Daniel Fast. No processed food, no animal products, no leavened bread, no sugar. Basically, fruits, vegetables, whole grains, nuts, legumes.

It was the hardest dietary choice I've ever made... but I've learned over the years that preparation and planning has a significant impact on how hard or easy something like this can be... so I made a lot of soups and things I could eat ahead of time... I ate enough veggie soup to feed an army over the last 40 days. And oatmeal. Oatmeal EVERY day for breakfast. With a sliced banana and two dates cut up and sprinkled on for sweetness... 

The bread thing was the hardest part... I love a good hunk o' bread - especially with my soup...

So - yesterday was Easter. I started off the morning with my favorite treat... a chocolate croissant (thank you, Trader Joe's!).

Yum.
Flakey.
Buttery.
Warm.

After lunch I had some Robin's Eggs... my favorite Easter candy... I didn't think I was eating that many, but both Asia and Savannah said "Um, you're sort of going crazy with the candy there..." And then I felt pretty yucky... after 40 days of no processed sugars, going straight to the malted milk eggs with the candy coating probably wasn't the best plan...

So here's what I'm learning...

The healthier I eat, the more unhealthy foods impact the way I feel.
The healthier I eat, the better I feel.
The healthier I eat, the more content I am with my food choices and the less I struggle with the lure of nasty, unhealthy food.

I have had a difficult relationship with food for as long as I remember... but it improves as I strive to see food as nourishment instead of entertainment... striving to really feed my body instead of tantalize my palate...

I devour books about food/diet/health... educating myself about nutrition... learning everything I can about how my body processes different foods...

And so now that Lent is over, this morning when I walked out to the kitchen and saw the leftover croissants... I chose to put the pot on the stove and pull the oatmeal out of the cupboard instead. The temporary pleasure of the croissant doesn't compare to the satisfaction of choosing the best food for my body...

When I focus on my health and well-being and remember the dirty business of the food industry it is much easier...

So I continue to strive for healthy, whole food choices, spending my calories on nutrients instead wasting them on empty garbage that actually damages my body...

Fruit. Veggies. Whole grains. Natural sweeteners. Beans. Lots of green food. A little bread. A little teeny bit of cheese, every once in a while...

The truth is, for the first time in my life, I feel like food doesn't control me. I have found a way to eat that nourishes me instead of ruling me.

My library grows... from books like Food Matters, In Defense of Food, The China Study, Real Moms Love to Eat, and others... every one I read strengthens my resolve to go against the grain of our current food culture and eat for me...

I don't expect anyone to join me... I recognize that my choices seem radical to some... But I also know it's worth the ostracism and weird looks I get from people.

It's also a tricky thing for me at work... since my food choices are extreme and would seem REALLY radical to someone who is just beginning their journey toward better health. I choose in most cases to keep my food philosophies to myself... even my vegetarianism is quite over the top for people who are just beginning the process of changing their lifestyle/eating habits and could potentially push people into running the other way if they felt that sort of massive change was required of them in order to enjoy success... most people are never going to make the choices I have made - so they're better left unsaid.

But I know this - food has the potential to rule over my thoughts and dominate my being in a way that is quite unhealthy - and I have finally found a balance that feels right for me.

It's a spiritual journey I have taken - recognizing a way to choose food that doesn't dominate or control me and instead, choosing to make decisions about what I eat an act of worship - acknowledging God's provision in the form of nourishing, delicious, healthy, whole food.

I now enjoy a freedom I have never experienced from food. Cravings have been replaced with satisfaction. Sneaking and shame have given way to confidence, empowering resolve and a surety and faith in my choices that continues to build...

I've traded a struggle for a resoluteness I wouldn't exchange for anything.

And that's why I eat the way I eat.

Letting go.

For six years, every time I have folded laundry there has been a huge pile of Kyler's running gear in the stacks of clean clothes. Shorts, t-shirts, enough socks for an entire team, warm-ups, sweat bands, uniforms. Piles of running clothes.

When Kyler was a young school boy, we really didn't think he was going to be an athlete... he tried a few years of baseball but spent more time in the outfield looking at the sky than actually playing and after a broken nose at a practice, decided baseball wasn't his thing...

 

He tried basketball once... playing at Hoopfest with a few buddies. Yeah... again... not his thing.

Then, at the end of his sixth grade year, he took his spring fitness test and came home with a mile-run time that impressed his dad. We were looking ahead to his transition to junior high and had some concerns about him finding his way there... Asia told him, "I want you to run cross country and track next year." And so it began.

It was a great way for him to settle into a great group of kids... runners are generally pretty awesome kids - hard working, dedicated, supportive. Cross country is a great sport, because your individual times contribute to a total team score, but it's competitive in a really individual way. As the boys ran together, it became about their own personal records... sure, they wanted to beat each other, but more importantly, they wanted to know if they themselves were getting faster...

The cool thing was, Kyler was good at running.

So we went through two years of junior high running... watching him slowly get faster and build friendships with his teammates.

And then we started thinking about high school... and found out that 'running camp' for the high school team would be right away... actually, before he even finished his last week of school in eighth grade.

He skipped his last day of school to go to Montana with the team and do a four day intensive training camp. I dropped my first $175 on his first camp.

He called us after the first day exhausted. They ran twice a day. Miles and miles and miles. I was concerned and a little nervous for him, but he pushed through and in those first days of being a Lewis and Clark Tiger, bonded with his team.

His first year, he lettered. Lettering in cross country is based on your 5K time - and he made the cut at a meet in Pasco, Washington.

We went on to letter all four years.

Over the years I've dropped hundreds of dollars on camps, shoes, spikes, team gear, travel (to California 3 times), fees... it's been quite the investment...

He ran track every spring, not because he loved it, but because it was good solid training for cross... he was never a fan of 'running around in circles' as he put it... but managed to improve every year on all three long distances...

Spokane is one of the most competitive running cities in the country... we have consistently had several teams compete at national events... you have to be FAST to run here... and train year-round.

And so he did.

His PRs:
5K: 16:11
1600m: 4:36
3200m: 9:54
800m: 2:01
3 miles: 15:27

His 3 mile time places him 9th in the state for 4A boys.

I have enjoyed being team mom, muffin maker, banquet organizer, email sender and spectator extraordinaire... I haven't missed a race. It has truly been my very favorite thing about his high school career - watching him run. I have been so proud of his improvement over the years, his positive attitude and his speed. In short, I LOVE watching him run.

Last spring, after his appearance and times at the Track Regional Championships, he started receiving letters from interested college coaches.

We began the process of talking with different colleges, doing campus visits, and looking at his options for the potential to run as a college athlete.

He received scholarship offers.

But unfortunately, the offers all came from private schools... very expensive private schools. And none of the scholarships were enough to make attending there a reality.

After much consideration and prayer and soul searching, he decided not to run next year and to attend Eastern Washington University - which is local, and has the least expensive tuition in the State. He will not run there, and has chosen instead to work his way through school. His goal is to finish out his bachelor's degree with no college debt. He will graduate from high school with an AA degree thanks to an amazing program here where he has been able to simultaneously enroll at a community college during his junior and senior year... so he has two tuition free years of college already. He's in great shape to potentially reach his goal.

He also, after a long hard look at his financial situation, decided this week not to run track this final senior year season in order to free up his schedule to have better availability at work.

It's actually a very long-sighted, wise and mature decision. He recognizes that the temporary enjoyment of one last track season doesn't really compare with the ability to really buckle down and save as much as he can for school next year. Especially since he will not continue his running competitively next year...

It was tough for him to come to that conclusion. Hard to tell his coach. Hard to tell his teammates. Hard to let go of some last few 'team' social times. He loves these boys. And they love him. But he really wants to focus... and since he really didn't ever love track... and doesn't need to be training for a fall season... he's done.

If it was hard for him, it was crazy hard for me.

I'll admit to crying a lot.

I think there's a lot behind that for me...

1. Kyler and I don't always see eye-to-eye on a LOT of things. We have vastly different personalities, likes and dis-likes. His running has been a really great common ground for us.
2. He ended his cross country time with a bit of a tragedy, falling at the State Championships... I was so sad for him that he wasn't able to perform the way he had all season. I was disheartened that he wasn't able to get his top-fifteen goal (which was TOTALLY realistic for him going in...) and was looking forward to him being able to redeem himself with some great track times. As it stands, the hard reality is that his last race ever sucked.
3. I'm a little embarrassed to have been such a strong team supporter and now have a quitter on my hands. (Just keeping it real. I'm not ashamed of his choice... I think he's doing what's right for him... but there's always that part inside of us that worries about what other people will think... not proud of that, but it's still there.)
4. I'm sad/worried about the way this could impact his social life.
5. I've had to face the fact that although he is crazy talented, running was honestly really never his passion... he is such a social kid that the team aspect of it was what pushed him to practice and get better. But strangely enough, there was NEVER much internal motivation from him. I always said that if he had any internal drive he could have been an AMAZING runner. As it was, his natural talent carried him a LONG way. But honestly, he would never go out and run just for the sake of running. It wasn't something he loved. He did it. For a lot of reasons. Partly, I think, because he knew how much I loved him doing it... (lots of layers to this one, I think...)
6. The truth is, he's graduating from high school. It's the end of an era. He is an 18 year old man. And he gets to choose how he lives his life. He's my baby - and honestly, I'm pretty sure I'm not ready for this.

I've had lots of dear mom-friends praying for me this week as I've been grieving... it really is a grief process... hard to walk through, but good all the same. I'm forced into a lot of soul searching... and pushing myself to appreciate Kyler's maturity... I am thankful he is being so intentional with his time and planning well for his future.

But the truth of this week has been, I'm really sad that I'll never see him race again.

I'm crazy proud of him.

But it is still hard.

I know, in the grand scheme of things, this is just a teeny blip on the radar.

Really, am I complaining that I won't have piles of running clothes to wash and fold every week?

I've felt a peace come over me as I've leaned into it...

And for that I'm really thankful.

No one can really ever warn you about how hard it is to walk through these seasons of parenting...

But then, they can't really explain the depth of gratitude that comes from emerging on the other side of a tough season. There is a pretty amazing process that always seems to bring me to the other side where I'm finally able to say, "It's all good."

Even the tears are good. I'm so thankful to have had such a meaningful/fun/enduring/rewarding experience with Kyler that I have to grieve that it is now over...

That IS a good thing.

And even though he isn't running again, I can still cheer him on.

"Go, Kyler!" (I love you!)

Monday morning... good for the soul...

Monday is almost my favorite day of the week... I say almost because nothing trumps Thursday. Thursday I can usually manage to stay home ALL day... and Monday I actually do have to leave the house a couple of times.

But on Monday mornings, everyone is out of the house by 7:30 and I have the place to myself for hours. I go pray with some other moms for an hour at 1:00 and I leave for work at 4:30, but other than that, the day is mine to do what I want.

Usually, after a weekend with everyone in and out of the house, there's some cleaning to do. And I like to get organized for my work week. I usually make time for a project and some baking or cooking ahead for the week and often I'm able to exercise on Monday mornings. So unlike many people, I look forward to Mondays. The quiet possibility of a Monday is good for my soul.

As the last kid walked out the door this morning, I looked at the dog and said, "Being a mom is hard, Gracie."

In just the hour before everyone left, I had conversations about chores, when a restriction from a certain tablet computer would end, whether someone should quit track and focus on work instead, why a friend would make bad choices like sneaking out at night, how one of the kids had to tell a suitor that they weren't interested and how they managed the 'drama' and fallout, grades and study habits, finances, a story about a shoplifter one of them saw at Safeway, and the state of someone's perpetually messy bedroom.

In an hour.

That's not even counting the prompting to stay on task and the side conversations about who owes who money and how taking lunch to school in a plastic grocery bag makes you look like a homeless person (huh?) and checking to be sure homework and after-school plans are all in order.

Asia and I took a walk yesterday and found ourselves in a conversation about this stage of life we find ourselves in... there were SO many young families at church yesterday... oodles of mommies sneaking out to nurse, lots of toddlers shyly smiling our way... we are SO beyond that and yet, still really in the thick of parenting... it's just a REALLY different stage.

Particularly with Kyler - it feels like every decision he has to make in the next few months is a life altering one... lots of pressure on the poor kid to grow up and have a plan in place. A huge part of me wants him to relax and enjoy being 18... his last few months at home... (maybe). But I also feel this tremendous burden to be sure he can function alone in the adult world and find myself despairing his immaturity and idealism. It's hard to know when to intervene and when to let the chips fall where they may... letting go is quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever had to do as a parent. Much harder than all those sleepless nights when I could muddle through. The toddler world is pretty stinkin' forgiving... not so much this young adult reality.

We have been SO blessed with really amazing kids. I don't pretend to know the worry and heartache of kids who become rebellious and wayward... I am SO thankful for kids who have so far chosen well... I cannot imagine the sorrow of watching your kids make really poor choices. If I struggle with pretty good kids, I wonder at my ability to walk the path of those parents whose hearts truly break for their kids.

It really all comes down to trust.

Do I trust that God is bigger than the mistakes my kids might make? That He is sovereign and His providence is good? Do I believe that forgiveness is real and grace is endless? Do I trust God to guide my kids when I no longer have the ability to control their world? Can I believe in His goodness if something terrible happens?

This story that is unfolding... the lives that go out from this house every morning... is all about God's faithfulness.

My ability to mother at all is only because of God's redeeming work in my heart.

It's all part of a much bigger picture.

In those moments when I feel overwhelmed by the heaviness I take on, I must remember the grand story.

Our lives are so much bigger than whether the dishwasher got emptied or whether someone got enough hours at work...

We are part of an impressive heritage of people redeemed by God... a story of love and grace and mistakes and forgiveness and glory.

So often the minutia of life distracts me from this truth. I can so easily become bogged down with anxiety and frustrations and I lose sight of the amazing narrative we participate in.

God knows my kids SO much better than I do. He is completely good in His intentions for them. He can work ALL things for good.

Why should I worry?

It's so good to have a Monday morning to remember this.

Be blessed this week, friends. Smooch you all.

Our lives in bullet points...

• We now have two employed teenagers in the house... Savannah got hired at Safeway (like her brother) and is working her first shift as I type. I had to laugh as Asia drove her away this morning - she will definitely be the prettiest courtesy clerk on the floor today - she was up at 5:00 straightening her hair and putting her makeup on...
• I am moved at God's provision when I realize how hard it is to get a job these days for the under 20 set... and no one is flipping burgers!
• Speaking of jobs, Asia is working one and a half jobs right now as he builds his private practice. He has had clients steadily since he started and currently works Monday and Wednesday evenings and Saturday mornings. He's a little frazzled. But he's enjoying his new office and getting to know his clients. I am so proud of him.
• He got his first totally-out-of-the-blue-off-his-web-page clients last week. It felt good, I think, for someone to pick him without already knowing him. It's sort of the old 'if you build it, they will come' adage in play. Who knew?
• Lent: for me this year it means no processed foods. No sugar. No leavened bread. No white flour. No ingredients I can't pronounce. Lots of fruits and veggies. Oatmeal with a banana and dates every morning. It's been a great way to simplify - and I feel great. That said, I really like bread.
• Here's the thing about getting a brand new car six months after already getting a brand new car: In my case, the first brand new car was exactly what I wanted. Right color, right features, right price, right fit. And the second brand new car is... mehh. I just don't care about it. I don't care for the color. (It was all they had.) The extra features (again, all they had) are silly and unnecessary. Panoramic sunroof? Why does everyone in the car need to be able to see the sky? I'm completely ambivalent about Sorento #2. It gets me from point A to point B. But I don't love it like I loved Sorento #1. Weird.
• My sweet Gracie girl made it through a horrible week... she had a stiff neck for a couple of days, which requires putting her dishes on a stool so she doesn't have to bend down to eat or drink. Wednesday night she accidentally knocked her water dish over which really spooked her. She spun out, did a spread eagle on the kitchen floor and really hurt herself. She spent that whole night shaking and whimpering... I was wondering if we were going to have to put her down the next day. It was so sad. But thankfully, after a couple of good night's sleep and lots of pampering, she seems to be better. Poor ol' girl. We love her so much.
• I am in the laborious process of cleaning out my 'scrapbooking room.' For years I needed a room for all my supplies and room to work... but truth be told, I haven't scrapbooked in about four years and it seemed silly to have all that wasted space... so I am slowly going through everything and transferring it to other areas of the house. I plan to have a HUGE sale - I have SO many supplies I will NEVER use. We're planning to make it into a media room with a couch and a tv and the Wii U. I'd love to put a glass panel door on it so we can see what's going on in there but not have to listen to it. It's a ridiculous undertaking... I plug away at it an hour here and an hour there... I think I'm about 60% done... if you don't count the closet! Sheesh, I bought a lot of paper over the years.
• Super happy that the days are getting longer. I really, really love spring. I will never get used to it's late arrival in Spokane... there is still snow on the ground and more in the forecast...

Have a blessed Sunday, friends. Smooches!

Letter to a new mom

I am privileged to know many, many sweet friends who are in the thick of motherhood - having babies left and right... this letter is what has been on my heart lately as I watch each of them tentatively enter the role of 'mom.'

Dearest new mom,

I wanted to let you know I'm praying for you in these early days of motherhood. I remember so vividly the exhaustion and elation of becoming a family. There was more than one moment when I just completely broke down, so overwhelmed, and declared "I can't do this!" It's hard. But it's also SO sweet in so many ways and somehow, miraculously, God gives us the strength to keep giving.

Motherhood is about giving more than anything else. You've already given your body to grow this precious little one... and now you continue to nurture and give your body to provide sustenance and warmth and comfort.

You will give time when there is no time.
Attention when you feel as though there isn't one attentive cell left in your brain.
You will answer questions you could never imagine being asked.
And wake up when all you want to do is sleep.

You will give so much.

You will receive as well... sweet little whimpers as he nurses... big toothless grins... the magic of being THE ONE who can soothe him. As he gets older you will be the keeper of secrets, the kisser of boo-boos, the maker of lunches, his most favorite girl in the world, if only for awhile...

You also have the privilege of following in Mary's wise example - and you will be the one who ponders. You will ponder the miracle of those tiny little fingers clasping yours. The overwhelming surge of maternal love as you watch him sleep. The sweet smell of sweaty curls as he awakes from his nap. The horror of his first real episode of being sick. The bittersweet milestone of his first day of school... you will ponder it all and hold it in your heart.

Hold it in your heart, sweet new mom.

It is so cliché, but you will blink your eyes and soon be pondering the miracle of a full grown man walking about your house making plans to leave. After years of lamenting the making of his school lunch, you will again be relishing in any opportunity to mother him... carefully crafting his favorite sandwiches just because it's one of the only tangible ways you can continue to share your love with him. There will be no more slobbery kisses now. Only quick little 'love ya mom' texts and an occasional awkward kiss on the cheek.

Even in the hardest, most gut wrenching moments, I have understood in my heart of hearts that being a mother was a high calling. That giving myself away to nurture the four precious souls I've been privileged to love is to be sure, the most difficult and insanely delicate balance of sacrifice and satisfaction. It is sacred work that asks much and whose returns are often illusive and infrequent. This appointment will probably not earn you much recognition or renown. But it is a distinction to savor. A job to treasure.

You are a mom.

So lean into the exhaustion, the awkward acknowledgement that you have no idea what to do, the utterly overwhelming and breathtaking mess of your new impossible task. As you surrender to it, you become privy to the mystery of God's strength being perfect in your weakness.

You will be compensated for your efforts with more opportunities to give, which can sometimes feel like a cruel trick. But as you give, you gain. Not in earthly treasures, or in accolades. But in quietness you will know... you will know that you have participated in the sanctified and blessed ritual of all mothers before you. An undertaking so rich in self-denial that as you begin the recognize the sheer magnitude of the payoff, you may be overwhelmed by the recognition that you have reaped more than you ever sowed. That your efforts have multiplied and your willingness to give your heart away has returned immeasurable gifts.

You are a mom.

Soak up that teeny tiny baby. All those little folds and creases and messes and smells... what I wouldn't give now to hold my children in that perfect space between my chin and my belly button - that space where just your heartbeat can take away their fear. What a ridiculous and crazy honor it is to be the soother of another soul.

I am so happy for you, new mom. I watch you from afar, kept away by my own shyness and my respect for the careful spot you are in as you figure out your new role. But I want you to know I am here for you. Praying for you and jealously watching as he nuzzles your neck and as you kiss his cheeks.

If ever you need anything, I would love to help. In all the years of giving, I've learned a bit along the way. Somehow I find myself in the role of mature mom. Almost-the-mom-of-grown-children. (Carefully-dyed-)grey-haired-mom. That comes with a fair bit of knowledge and an awful lot of confidence in God's goodness and provision. It also provides perspective.

So if every you feel lost in the diapers and the toys and the exhaustion, I would be honored to help you find yourself again. I would love to be the one to encourage you and remind you of the ridiculous wonder of motherhood.

You know where to find me.

Congratulations, new mom. You are so beautiful and so blessed. God be with you.

Blessed Thursday...

This is the first Thursday all month that I've been able to be HOME on my day off...

January 3rd I worked - coaching a leader up in Deer Park.
January 10th I worked again, coaching a leader in Coeur D'Alene. Oh - and I totaled my car.
January 17th I was home most of the day, but had a doctor's appointment and an errand to the grocery store... having to be at an appointment at a set time is the biggest day-off-killer...
January 24th I was back in Coeur D'Alene, getting my possessions out of my totaled car and then spent the whole afternoon at the car dealership shopping for a new car.
Today, January 31st, I am home. ALL DAY LONG. I'm not even putting on makeup, people.

I have quite the to-do list today... considering how busy I've been and the fact that the past two Mondays (also days I can be home getting things done) my kids have been home. I never accomplish much when they're around, for some reason.

Lots to try to catch up on.

One of the things I ended up doing, even though it wasn't on my list, was shoveling snow off my deck. I'm SO over winter this year... SO done with snow. We're supposed to be in the high 30s and low 40s over the weekend and it's supposed to be DRY... I'm hopeful that I might actually see some dry, snowless wood on the deck. I did see grass in the front yard yesterday after a particularly sunny patch... it's the little things this time of year... still waiting to see some of the bulbs I planted last fall make an appearance in my front flower beds.

The laundry has been humming all morning long, and the oven has cooked roasted Brussels sprouts, eggplant parmesan and brownies so far. I still plan to make biscuits and something for dinner... I haven't decided what yet...

Gracie loves when I'm home... she follows me from room to room, helping me taste the stuff I'm cooking... playing in the snow while I shoveled. We're good friends, she and I.

Music is always playing... candles are burning. Working full time has made my precious time alone at home a celebration...

Beloved Thursdays at home... I am recharged and rested here...

Instagram photos I will NOT be taking...

• The dust bunnies on my bedroom floor. I decided a few weeks ago to stop having the housekeeper come... in an effort to be more industrious myself and save money. However, she was apparently much better at finding and destroying the wayward fluffs than I am. For days I've been saying 'I must get the vacuum out later and suck those up' and then I never do.
• My furrowed brow. Lots of parenting conflicts over the past week. I'm tired of it all.
• The laundry baskets that seem to be forever in my living room - overflowing with clothes/towels/sheets/socks that need to be folded. I was so far behind last weekend that I actually let Asia fold. That's NEVER happened before. I'm pretty stinking anal about how things get folded. I just didn't care anymore.
• My scrapbook room. Currently I'm in transition with this space - I really haven't been using it regularly since I stopped working at Apropos almost 4 years ago. We've decided to turn it into a media room with a glass office door so the kids can be in there with their friends while Asia and I still occupy the living room. It's a HUGE project. The more I do, the more there is to do. It's a complete disaster that nags at me every time I walk past it.
• The snow. I'm sick of grey, slippery, crunchy, frosty. Spring cannot come fast enough.
• The chairs at my kitchen table. For some reason, everyone in this household has decided it's too much work to hang their coats on the coat hooks. Instead, they just drape their coats over the backs of the chairs. Not exactly in my decorating scheme...
• My closet. My winter wardrobe is depressingly black. And because everything is thicker, it's packed ridiculously full. It's terrible.
• The pile of post-it notes, envelopes, important papers, scribbled phone numbers and letters we have accumulated post-car-accident. It's crazy how much there is to manage. Two weeks since the accident... I'll bet it's at least another two weeks until I have a car. It's a snails-pace, this insurance process.
• My wrinkly, dry hands. Winter is not kind to eczema prone skin.
• Ethan's hair. Sure -I've posted pictures before. But the bigger it gets, the scarier it is. I'm trying to save him the embarrassment five years down the road when he asks "Mom, what were you thinking letting me grow it out that way?"
• The huge amount of CDs we still own. Has anyone successfully transferred all their hard copies of your favorite albums onto your computers/music devices? What a chore. Another one that nags...
• Pictures from my vacation to a tropical paradise. Because I'm not taking a vacation to a tropical paradise.

What will you NOT be Instagramming?

Sunday musings

I woke up early this morning...

I've slept hard all week - it's been a heckuva ten days...

• our accident on the 10th
• a major 'special event' at work that I was in charge of on the 12th - a 10 hour day
• 15 minutes of fame on the 15th when my newspaper article came out
• lots of phone calls and waiting on phone calls to finally hear on the 16th that the car was totaled
• one chiropractic adjustment and two massages
• transitioning from two meetings back-to-back on Saturdays to three, which yesterday we managed to pull off with our computer down and being short-staffed - I ended up working until 1:00 a shift that should have ended at 11:30.

It's been a lot.

My sweet Savannah, who came back from Africa with a forever-changed perspective on the world, keeps reminding me when I get impatient with the whole insurance process... "First-world problem, Mom..."

And she is, of course, perfectly right.

My aching and tired body still gets to crawl into bed every night in a huge house with heat and cupboards full of food.

I won't complain about having to wait on insurance employees who take their time processing my claim. They are going to replace my car. No questions asked. Full replacement with no deduction for depreciation. If I have to wait a few weeks for my brand-spanking-new-car I can do that.

My busy-ness at work and extra responsibilities there are a HUGE blessing... I have the privilege of building into hundreds of people every week - giving them confidence and inspiration to change their lives and work toward good health... January is CRAZY at Weight Watchers. So I work a few extra hours and I manage huge crowds and I stress out over trying to connect with all of them in some sort of caring, genuine way so they will come back... but it's all worth it. When someone says "I LOVE my life now... I feel comfortable in my own skin... my doctor is amazed at how my numbers have come down..." it's all worth it.

We are in the thick of helping Kyler decide what to do with himself next year... it's a strange and painful process sometimes, this letting go. He recently got a promotion at Safeway - they approached him and asked him if he wanted to be a checker... which is two steps up from courtesy clerk. We are proud of him for being the kind of employee that gets noticed and rewarded for hard work. At 18, he has already 'moved up' in the grocery store world. Helping him choose a college - determining where is a good fit for him - trying to help him avoid thousands of dollars of student debt... it's all pretty stressful. No one gives you a guidebook for this and I'm convinced that our educational system that pushes kids to decide what they want to be at such a young age often does them a huge disservice. So wading through choices with him and letting him decide his own future... it's hard. But he's a good kid. And I pray that God will guide him and he will learn life's lessons easily.

Lots of other stuff on my mind lately... winter has a way of making me even more introspective and ponderific... thinking about church and relationships and my own journey with health and marriage and home...

Makes me want to light a candle and hunker down and recite a prayer and rest in God's peace that passes understanding...

Gotta make time for that... that's where I find my center in all the chaos.

Realigning

Thursday night Asia, Ethan and I were on our way downtown to attend the big Rubber Chicken spirit competition/basketball game between Lewis & Clark and Ferris high schools...

I had taken Savannah and her girlfriend down an hour before - they wanted to get good seats, but I wanted to wait until Asia got home so we could go together, so I just dropped the girls off. It was cold out, and there were just a few stray flakes of snow falling here and there. The roads were dry.

When Asia got home, he mentioned that the roads were getting a little slick on his drive up the hill. Not unusual for Spokane...

Spokane city crews do a pretty amazing job of keeping our roads de-iced and plowed. So when it snows here, generally, you just go where you need to go. It certainly doesn't stop us from getting where we have to go.

We left for the game. We live on the South Hill - which means we have to go down to get downtown.

Down we went... the roads had less than an inch of snow on them, but again, nothing we aren't used to.

We got to a section of hill that is the steepest part of our commute each day - a part where the road splits, with two lanes going north in a divided section where there is a high concrete wall on your left and a low concrete wall and a skinny little sidewalk on your right. It's also a section of road with an "S" curve - so you come around a corner at the top of the hill, then curve around the other way as you pass the concrete walls until you get to the 'bottom' of the hill.

We came around that corner and immediately saw, about 2/3 of the way down the hill, two cars stopped in the middle of the road. I couldn't tell you if they'd been in an accident, because everything from then on happened so fast... but I'm assuming that's why they were essentially parked on the roadway, blocking both lanes.

Asia immediately knew we were in trouble. He slowed down and immediately and gently applied the brakes in hopes of being able to stop before we got to the 'parked' cars.

We started sliding.

We turned sideways a bit before we hit the first car.

Within 10 seconds, we were hit from behind by another car. That impact swung our car around 180 degrees and smashed us up against the curb. Now we were facing uphill, into oncoming traffic.

Bang! Hit head-on by a car unfortunate enough to be the next one into the pile. That impact made us slide sideways so now our car was perpendicular to the curb, with Asia's side smashed into someone... now my passenger side is the target, and sure enough, the next car to come sliding down the hill hits my passenger door.

It was like a pinball game with car after car after car sliding down the hill, smashing into the pile. Every impact created a chain reaction of vehicles rearranging themselves, scraping and crashing and groaning to find a new resting place until the next one hit.

They just kept coming. When it was all said and done, there were 19 cars piled up.

After numerous hits (we honestly don't know how many) Asia's protective instincts took over and he determined to get us away from the danger of every new impact. He put the car in reverse, managed to back out far enough from the cars to turn the wheels down the hill, and somehow, we slid our way out of the mess and into a parking lot a little further down the hill.

There we waited for what seemed like forever for police and tow trucks. As we got out to look at the damage to the car, both of our doors creaked and thunked with the terrible sound of metal on metal... the radiator was leaking fluid, the front end was totally destroyed, with bumper and hood damage. Every panel on the car with maybe the exception of the back doors had damage.

Asia and I were both impressed with how 'good' the car looked on our first inspection... until you really started looking. There were dents everywhere, but we are pleased with how well our Kia held up considering how many times she was hit. Just glancing at her from any angle besides the front, you would never have known what we'd just been through. We've had much more minor accidents over the years in other cars where the damage has been WAY more obvious. Kia did good designing our Sorento.

That doesn't change the fact that she's still pretty messed up... we're hoping to hear from the insurance adjuster today.

None of us were 'hurt.' At least not with anything obvious or life-threatening. The cars were only going at the most 30-35 mph... so the impacts were actually quite slow - none of our many airbags deployed. However, we hurt. It's amazing to me how a body reacts to something like this... every muscle is sore... we are tired... exhausted really. An ordeal like that takes a lot out of you.

I find myself feeling vulnerable and more than just a little emotional.

It's one of those life occurrences where you are forced to recognize that in the blink of an eye everything can change. We were fortunate. But it could have turned out so differently.

The car is replaceable. Our confidence driving will return. In the grand scheme of things, everything is going to be alright.

I know that.

But still, I will spend the next little while moving a little slower, holding my kids a little tighter, being thankful for a strong, protective car, a husband with good driving instincts, and insurance that will take care of us.

I may hunker down a little more than usual this winter. And I will welcome spring with more appreciation than ever before, I think.

Life is good, you know. Every little bit of it. Take a moment to notice that today...

Peri-meno-what?

There are days (nights) I simply cannot identify with this silly aging body.

While I'm confident and sure of myself in ways I NEVER was in my 20's and 30's, wrestling with the reality of aging sometimes catches me off guard.

Case in point: for the past three nights, while I've been safe and warm and snug in my own bed (which my kids have described as the most comfortable bed in the world) I have in those three nights slept a total of less than 10 hours.

I'm definitely tired. But wide awake, if that makes any sense.

The good thing is that I now have a maturity/wisdom/familiarity-with-sacrifice that makes three days of surviving on little to no sleep a no-brainer. If I'd had this little sleep in my 20's I wouldn't have been able to function.

Now I just get up and do it. No whining. What's the point? The sleep will come eventually and until then, there's plenty to do.

And then there are the random aches and pains. Shoulders that feel loose and sore at any swing of an arm... hips that protest at the end of a day on my feet... a thumb that's been hurting inexplicably for several months.

Thankfully, I believe I'm taking better care of my body than I ever have... I own a strong sense of responsibility and a willingness to make choices based on what's best for my health instead of being ruled by my desires. I feel empowered by my lifestyle, which propels and motivates continued efforts to be at my best. That's radically different from most of my life, when I put my body through a series of crazy bad food consumption habits - when I was ruled by cravings and sugar and lazy, uninformed nutrition.

I strive now to really feed my body what it needs.

And I'm fascinated to discover how good a body that's clearly aging can feel when it's well cared for and well-fed.

It all breeds my passion for healthy living... which feeds the joy I feel in doing my job... which hopefully inspires and motivates others in their own journey toward wellness.

So I'll take the aging. In my case, it's provided me the time to figure all of this out... to bring me to this really cool place of contentment and satisfaction and ownership.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:1&2

New year... new goals!

January first always feels like a package... waiting to be opened. A whole year of possibility.

I have been known to make grand statements on January first... not resolutions exactly, but definitely goals.

I respond well to goals, I've learned.

The years I set them, I accomplish something significant.

And the years I don't, I generally flail.

So this year, I'm setting some.

Flailing isn't particularly flattering to anyone, in my opinion. And it certainly isn't good for me.

Here they are:

1. Be active EVERY single day. For me in the past this has taken the form of a daily walk. I don't want to limit it to just a walk, so I will record whatever activity I participate in, aiming to make my body MOVE - preferably outside. If I don't do this, it's WAY too easy for me to become sedentary.
2. Be productive EVERY day. This comes with a time limit... 60 minutes a day of accomplishing something specific in my home each day. Today it was taking down the Christmas tree/decorations and ended up being 90 minutes. I have a tendency to be really lazy otherwise and I have PLENTY I need to accomplish around here.
3. Perform one random act of kindness (RAK) each week. This is a totally new one for me and I'm excited to make it a reality and begin sharing what I do.

And that's it.

Measurable. Specific. Attainable.

Happy New Year, friends.

Tuesday Ten

1. I have been big on new year's resolutions since 2009. I have no idea what I want to do for 2013. Any suggestions?
2. Every once in a teeny-tiny while I say yes to something I wish I'd said no to. I'm pretty good at saying no. But darn it, I'm not perfect at it yet. I've got something on the agenda next month I really wish I didn't have to do. Oh well. Live and learn, right?
3. The Christmas thing might be sort of ruined permanently for me, I'm afraid. After two trips to Africa it's just really hard for me to get excited about the excesses so prevalent here in the States this time of year. Honestly, no one I know here NEEDS anything. We are rich. And so I try my darndest to stay focused on the people and the memories and not get caught up in the spending. 
4. There is a fine line between choosing not to spend a lot on Christmas and appearing to be a scrooge, it turns out. Particularly when you have teenagers who are apt to forget all the meaningful lessons they learned on their trip to Africa and who have ridiculously expensive taste.
5. Today was the last day of school for the kiddos... doesn't the last day of school before Christmas break just conjure up all sorts of happy feelings? 
6. Christmas Sugar Cookies will certainly be on the agenda while they are home. Butter, sugar, flour, eggs... yum.
7. I never read the Hobbit. I do not care about it being made into a movie. Do you like me less now?
8. I only go to movies about once a year. I think this year it will be to see Les Miserables. Can.not.wait.
9. We have had Trader Joe's in Spokane for over a year.  I LOVE shopping there. But I hate their bananas. They're either super hard or super bruise-y. I won't buy bananas at Costco either. (Fruit flies.) Am I high maintenance about bananas? Maybe so... 
10. I skipped sending Christmas cards out last year. I felt bad. Got it done this year. I feel much better.

Happy Tuesday, friends - only a week until Christmas!!!

Observations

There is budding romance in my house.

I've hesitated to write about it, since I feel like it's sort of not my story to tell.

But I watch.

And I have observations that I know can be best processed with the written word... it's always a great way for me to work out my thoughts.

And so I write. Delicately and carefully, out of respect.

But I write. I guess by now they know that I write about them. So it should come as no surprise.

What surprises me most as I witness the unfolding of the affair, is how much joy it brings me.

The smile that spreads across her face at every text... her shyly divulging his little whispered sweet nothings to me... the grin he cannot contain when he sees her.

I had no idea how sweet it would be to behold.

I was blessed to have a rare and lovely first boyfriend whose affections were respectful and sweet... he was a boy who made it clear I was his favorite by doting on me in innocent and proper ways that made me feel both treasured and endeared. When it ended, it ended amicably, and to this day I have fond thoughts of him and the really important role he played in teaching me about love and romance and holding out for the right boy.

Now, I have been given the honor of seeing her experience a very similar first relationship. I am being entrusted with her sweet stories of their unfolding affections... which I will treasure for always and never take for granted.

When I discovered the baby I carried almost 17 years ago was a girl, I had one terrible night of worry, knowing how much more delicate and dangerous raising a girl can be... and none of those scary premonitions have come true. Instead, I am blown away by the privilege of knowing an amazing young woman.

And now I have the chance to know a pretty amazing young man.

Parenting is often described as the hardest job in the world.

But this is one of the easiest and most delightful things I've ever gotten to do.

I.am.so.thankful.

Ten on Tuesday

It's been a crazy busy month...  Here are some highlights...

1. First: We haven't heard the results yet from Asia's board exam. Any.day.now.
2.  Kyler finished off his cross country season with a team trip to the State Championships on Nov. 3rd. He tragically fell in his race, placing 42nd out of 151 of the top runners in the state. If he hadn't fallen, he would probably have been in the top 15. Ouch. We spent a couple of days really lamenting what could have been. And then we moved on. His team placed fourth in the state, which placed them on the podium and sent them home with a nice big trophy... and he qualified to go to the Footlocker West Regional Championships in Southern California this weekend. He still has track season to continue improving his times and work toward potential college scholarships...
3. I now have a 16 year old daughter. We celebrated by hosting a party for 20 of her closest friends, which included tacos, a game of Bigger and Better, presents and a rousing Candy Poker tournament. My sweet Savannah has turned into the loveliest of ladies... she is sweet and sassy and so dear to me. Her name in Sierra Leone was Luba - which meant blessing. It is fitting and perfect for her.
4. Along with being 16, Savannah has her first official boyfriend. His name is Ben. They waited forever and a day to become 'official', after months of friendship and texting and even, I suspect, a bit of cuddling. They went to homecoming together and then sometime the next week Savannah discovered that he assumed that meant they were a couple... she was having none of that and insisted that he ask her officially to be his girlfriend. He obliged. They are very charming together - watching them interact is actually an opportunity to thank God for answered prayer. I've always prayed that if my kids aren't able/willing to wait post-highschool to date, that they would have relationships that are beneficial and that teach them about what they value in a significant other... Ben seems to fit the bill.
5. Not to be outdone, Kyler is also treading in the waters of a relationship. His girlfriend Katrin is a fellow cross country runner who has been a good friend for years. She is very down-to-earth and a little on the nerdy side, which suits Kyler perfectly. Her father manages the local video/book/gaming store so they have tons in common and lots to keep them entertained.
6. Ethan is LOVING junior high, mostly for the opportunity to play his upright bass five days a week and participate in the jazz band there. He is my musician... I LOVE hearing him play and am amazed at how his fingers fly up and down the fret.
7. Work for me is good... I recently dropped a couple of meetings and find my new schedule to be REALLY refreshing. I'm very busy this time of year coaching leaders on our annual program innovation and appreciate the extra time to be able to manage all that's being asked of me. I still LOVE what I do and am so thankful for a chance to work a job that never feels like work.
8. I'm packaging up our Christmas gifts for our sweet boys in Sierra Leone. We sponsor Tejan, Alhassan and Spengy and look forward to spoiling them each a bit this time of year. They are so dear to us. 
9. In less than a month, I will have an 18 year old. Wrapping my head around that is proving more difficult than I anticipated.
10. Hoping for a snowy winter... the past few have been pretty mild and I LOVE a good snowstorm. We had snow in October but then none this month. I'm hoping it comes soon. Especially before Christmas...

Happy Tuesday friends! Smooches...

Pause

This morning Asia is taking his board exam to be licensed as a marriage and family therapist...

There have been months of discussion, classes, studying, dreaming, praying and planning leading up to this day...

There have been LOTS of opportunities to let go and trust.

There has been lots of change, particularly for me...

There's been lots of anxiety... particularly this week... tension has been running high as all this energy comes together into this one four hour test that will determine our future.

And yet, last night, we were blessed with a moment of calm.

• A change to reflect on the gift of living in a country where a person can pursue their dreams.

• An opportunity to thank God for his provision.

• A moment to pause - and revel in the culmination of months and months of prayer.

• A quiet whisper in bed "Whatever happens, I will always love you... God is in control... so we'll be okay..."

For this four hours I am suspended between what has been and what is to come...

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, 

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

 

Passing in the chute... Kyler's specialty

 I've watched a multitude of Kyler's races over the four years of his high school cross country career...

 And I think in all that time I've seen him be passed in the chute less than five times...

 When this boy sees the finish line something switches in his head and he is more determined than ever...

 Kicking it into high gear...

 Pouring on the steam...

 Stretching out his stride...

 Maneuvering his elbows...

 Twisting his body just so...

And somehow managing to be in front at the line...

This one was cutting it close, for sure.

The thrill is worth the risk... he's given me more exhilarating race experiences than I ever could have hoped for. Watching him race has been the highlight of his high school years for me.

One more race to go... on to State 2012.

Go get 'em, Kyler.

Eastern Washington Regionals - October 27, 2012